NEWS THAT DOESNT MATTER!
Politicians are a clean lot…
A survey conducted by the Anti-Corruption Agency (ACA) revealed that our politicians are free from corruption. Further studies also indicate that they are actually doing their jobs, caring for the community and putting the society above personal gain. A certain politician , mr A$$ Same-My Value pledged that he would use all his power to ensure that toll-charges to be lowered, and road works contracts to be distributed evenly to worthy contractors, contrary to the general assumptions that cronies are preferred.
Mat Rempits to be honored with the title of Datukship
As a move to show the authority’s appreciation to the gang leaders of Mat Rempits, for bringing together the riders, to focus on a common goal instead of various petty crimes, and snatch thieves to something more collective and give them a sense of belonging; by recruiting them into Mat Rempits gangs. "The gang leaders have played a good role in society by caring for these misfits….instead of demonising them, we should take the positive outlook of this issue, and make it into something benificial to us…." said a very influential political dude." These kids can be a good use to the society…they can be a good use to US by putting up election posters, creating havoc to attract attention on our election rallies, source of sure-votes and also, beating up rival political party kakis!"….he continued…
The title of Datukship will be indeed a special one. It will be awarded based on number of Rempits under their armpits, and also based on how many scars they have sustained, and still remain alive.
Malaysia In World Cup Finals.
Malaysia have reached the finals of the International Batu Seremban Tournament. Beating Swaziland in the semi finals by 26 batus, the favourites will be facing Russia in the Batu Seremban Finals in Prague, Czech Republic. Russia has emerged a new powerhouse in the Batu Seremban scene, after takin up the sport when they were introduced by Malaysia in one of their space programs, where Malaysia took part as a space tourist; sending a Can-or-Naut ;and did the unthinkable by tossing a batu seremban into orbit. Singapore however protested on the current ongoing Finals, as they claimed the game should be called Batu Ang Mo Kio, since it originated from the area, and not Seremban.
Mooncake Bid Failed
Our bid to have the first Malaysian Mooncake made on the moon failed miserably yesterday, as the zero-gravity turns out to be unsuitable for the Chef-cum-can-or-Naut to create the mooncakes. To make matters worse, the mishap caused the aeration system in the moon base to get clogged up, putting it out of comission. Fortunately, none were harmed, as they managed to make their way out to safety by doing the moonwalk to the Space Shuttle Malaysia Boleh-1. They however managed to create an accidental entry into the Malaysian Boo of records by doing the Fastest Moonwalk by a Malaysian Chef on the Moon category.
I-Gallop introduces new model
A successful brand in home exercise who introduced a horse-riding machine not long ago released a new version of the contraption ; a camel riding machine. Humps on camels claimed to give more back support compared to riding a horse. as a promotion, the machines comes along with back-up music of "My Humps" and "Sexyback" as entertainment during the exercise.
Provocative songs banned in Kelantan.
Songs that carry "explicit" messages will be banned from being aired in radios and functions in Kelantan, said a senior member of the ruling party. The ruling party, which considers itself a conservative-religious movement announced songs that carry "western-immoral-values" will be barred from Kelantan. this has resulted in several tonnes of Cds and music cassettes being blocked and also shipped out of the East coast state. Among banned songs and artists are :
- all Black Eyed Peas songs, as they claimed the group have no other themes in their song apart from gibberish, sex-related and booty shakin elements that corrupt youths minds. however, the song "masquenada (B.E.P feat Sergio Mendes) was passed, as the state football team wants to use it to give their players a "latino feel" so that they could play better.
- Fergie (of the B.E.P) was however passed, much to our suprise, after the officers reviewed her old music video, "London Bridge" where she s got the Union Jack printed on her hot pants. Acts such as those were deemed anti-colonial, so Fergie is suddenly the most preferred artist as their support for anti-western countries.
- An even more suprising move was to ban Mawi’s Habibi song, as it sounds like a certain haram animal when uttered in quick succession.
- Dubbed versions of Westlife are recorded, as to allow them to have their cds marketed in the state. Only in Kelantan, the limited edition East-life, (or Cara Kehidupan Timur) -Westlife CD repackaged can be bought for 5 dinars.
- Shakira will be invited for a ladies-only concert, which currently has its ticket sales in a very low count, since i turns out that no girls really dig lookin at another chick that has Hips that really dont lie. In a related incident, 2 guys were sent to jail for impersonating a lady in their bid to purchase the tickets to the concert.
- Barney is banned, as it is a symbol of western-over-happiness values.
"Tak Payah Register…Tunggu dulu…!"
said an insider when questioned on the nearing dateline of the prepaid-registration drive. According to reliable sources, late registrations will be eligible for a lucky draw that could win them a brand new Perodua Katak R3. prizes also include an "Isom I-Gallop 2 -Camel Cruiser exercise machine". He said that there is actually no dateline period, and tha the move was generated as an exercise to gauge which network has the most users, and also just to show that the IRD body actually has something to do.
